- No matter how hard you look for one, someone else always has a bigger sombrero.

- Just because the ant powder declares it will kill fish, birds, and your garden, does not mean it will actually kill ants, or even mildly intimidate them. You want the spray that looks like water for that.

- Walnuts go with anything. Walnuts go with everything. Walnuts are delicious. Eat walnuts.

- Nowhere will sell you the awesome tequilla flavoured beer they have everywhere else in Europe. Even though its the Costa Brava, and they’re throwing sombreros at you.

- (I wish I had a better site to link to back there.)

- Seven year old cousins who know next to no English are nonetheless perfect mimics, as long as they mimic stuff you don’t want repeated, such as screaming, or the word “foot”.

- Spanish drivers do not believe in “smooth gear changes”, “careful driving”, “not stopping in the middle of a goddamn roundabout”, or “safe overtaking”.

- Seriously, I saw a moped overtaking a car, which was itself overtaking another car at the time.

- People who write tourist guidebooks have magical running powers, as they can apparently get up and down a steep, hilly and abundantly tall mountain in 40 minutes, where us normal people are wheezing with our hour each way.

- If you are so drunk you cannot even walk straight, you can nonetheless use a diving board.

- Sangria is goddamn delicious.

- Always make sure the DJ at the campsite bar has more than one CD, or you will hear “YMCA” played at least four times a night.

- If your girlfriend accidently trips you over, and your face is pointing in the direction of another girls behind for about a second as a result, you are cheating on your girlfriend. You horrible, horrible person.

- Don’t just fill the barbeque with gas and stick a match in there, or you’ll lose your eyebrows.

- Take the ring off of the security wire before trying it for size, or it will be too big.

- Thanks to no knowledge of Spanish, and a opposing incomprehension of English, you will never know whether the tattoo artist actually met David Gorman, or simply saw the Googlewhack Adventure DVD as well.

- Put some god damn suncream on already, being sunburned is not fun damnit.

- The pool is always cold, its just how hot you are at the time that changes whether that’s a good thing or not.

- Kittens cannot sit on sombreros.

- You cannot take the stray kittens home.

- No.

- No you can’t.

The awesome thing about being British is that since we have such low expectations of our weather, if the sun can stay big and hot for 90% of a fortnight long holiday, then we can ignore everything else and say it was awesome.

By the by, I’m back. I’ll write more when I’m in a better position to do it.

Go look at it.

Or look here if you’re from the future, again. Stop time travelling to read my stupid website! Go do something like avert the robot invasion. Or give me next weeks lottery numbers, whatever.

Two updates in one day? Its either madness, SPARTAAAA, or a half-hearted attempt at restarting the Henry Skull series. On reflection, the arc I’d taken the story in was very stupid. Mind you, the entire concept is stupid, but since the most praise I’ve ever had for my site was a friend in Sixth Form declaring that a skull saying “Oh, shit diggles” to be the zenith of comedy, I might as well give the people what they want. But I am restarting it, and am going to try and forge a story arc based on how I lost my fonts.

If you missed the last link, there’s another one. If you’re from the future, and missed this comic, here’s a direct link to where I hypothesise it will be. Quantum cutandpastecomicness!

Inexplicably, the short article I did on Nurgle Chaos Ogres has been the most searched-for thing on the site. So people who like me ranting about stuff will have to bother… erm… I’d have said Yahtzee, but he’s too busy talking too bloody fast these days.  (Yeah, like he really needs more people linking to him).

I thought it might be an idea to look at a few less guys this time, and go into more detail. Since that’s more useful. So we’ll have a look at a rank-and-file Ogre, and have another look at the Standard Bearer, mainly because I already took the pictures before realising I’d done him.

I hate Wordpress. Now, have a look at it there, and come back when you’re done. Click on it too, I’m not going to expound on my bad painting if you’re not going to look at it.

Now then, I’m not going to talk about his skin tone. If you’re going to do something like this for either your Ogre army or your Beasts of Chaos army, you just want to paint your Ogre skin normally, just with some green mixed in there (I used Catachan Green), and perhaps an extra highlight with Bleached Bone for that pale, unhealthy look. Nor am I going to talk about the rust effects on the gutplate and banner pole. If you need to know, find White Dwarf 301 and use their tips, or go consult the Internet.

The standard itself was taken from the Pestigor standard bearer, found on eBay after months of searching. The copper effect on it was achieved in two steps. I started with a white undercoat, all the better for brighter colours. I then coated it with a turquoise shade made of Snot Green, Enchanted Blue, and maybe some others. Drybrushed over this with a bronze colour. I used a mixture of Shining Gold and Bestial Brown, because I don’t have much reason to carry bronze paint around with me. Highlight as necessary. The banner itself was basecoated Bleached Bone, and washed in a mix of Dark Green Ink and Ogryn Flesh wash, thus colouring and shading it at the same time.

As an aside note, I’m sad Games Workshop got rid of the range of inks. Sure, the new washes are excellent at what Games Workshop say they’re designed for, but I used Flesh Ink for many things, because of its inky status. Keeping the inks and introducing the washes as well would have made me a much happier bunny.

The claw hand was taken from the Chaos Mutations spruce, painted Snot Green, and inked Dark Green. Nothig too exciting. The tentacle arm was sinply Green Stuff wrapped round the banner pole. The original hand had to be cur right back, and even now I’m not 100% sure on it.

Gotta love this guy. He’s the first one I made, and sadly still the best. His main feature is his big swelling eye, a wonderful mark of the Plague God. A simple orb of Green Stuff, almost painted the same as the skin surrounding it, just with a bit more Ogryn Flesh and Bleached Bone. Oh, and a slit like pupil for good measure. His other prominant feature, his giant hand, is taken from the Giant spruce. Works quite well as an ironfist, methinks.

His gutplate is mostly covered in sand. The three blobs, in the shape of the Mark of Nurgle, are of course Green Stuff. They’re also shaded up from the rusted metal to Bleached Bone, to look sort of like spots or boils.

His pet Nurgling is a Nurgling.

On reflection, Twitter may well be more useful than a sack of sycamore leaves in a toaster, based on some Canadian-based commentry I recieved. I still maintain, however, that a guy who’s already shackled up to a computer 20/6 an doesn’t do anything intersting doesn’t need it.

Now, onto the main item of business. Half of you who used to read this will have vacationed here from Night Life, and will know that once in a blue moon, I stick up an article in their Crappy News section. Basically, the idea was that once a day, a bizarre news article from somewhere gets stuck up and critiqued. Nowadays, its mostly just stuff in the news that pisses Barend off, but I do throw my hat in there. So an article I found was about to go up there, but I decided to see if I can get a full days ranting out of it myself.

Just for the record, this is the article in question. The short summery is that British nursery groups are being told to keep an eye out for pre-school kids making racist comments. A fine idea, until you actually read the article, wherein you discover that “this could include a child of as young as three who says “yuk” in response to being served unfamiliar foreign food.”

Now, I’m well aware there is a conspiracy theory that the world is being run by a race of lizard creatures, and I’m now quite sure the National Childrens Bureau haven’t actually interacted with any kids longer than to try and devour them whole. But kids that small are honest, but essentially stupid. Yes, they’re quite prepared to turn up their nose at something they don’t like. They’re kids! Its hard enough to get them to eat a spoonful of peas if they don’t want to, let alone the goddamn tandoori chicken they’re evidently trying to stuff down these kids. But what gormless twunt thinks a small child is going to think “this food doesn’t taste good BECAUSE A PAKI MADE IT”? They wouldn’t even know who cooked it without ten minutes sitting in the kitchen being told in the first place. They simply don’t know any better, and they’re going to spit it out because they don’t like anything but Willy Wonkas Sugar Coated Mega Chocolate Whizz Puffs for breakfast, no matter how many overpaid white men in suits are wetting their pants over what we laughingly call “racism”.

Now I’m not gormless enough to say “racism doesn’t exist anymore”. I spent an entire year with two delightful Mancunians (or is it Mancurians? Or does anyone really care?) who spent the entire year complaining about Pakis taking everyones jobs, in between berating everyone from the South. I know racism exists. I know that in most cases, and definatly if there isn’t a reason, its wrong. I don’t think, however, that panicking about every time someone alludes to the fact that someones a slightly different colour is terribly constructive. Same thing as the gender inequality thing – while I don’t agree with men royally stomping all over women, neither do I like everyone pussyfooting around while the ladies stomp on our goolies. It’d be quite nice if we tried that wonderful “understanding each other and working together as equals” things rather than “oooh nooo they’ll sueeeee” nonsense we seem to have inherited from America.

Sorry, seem to have gone off on one there. So yeah, perhaps we shouldn’t be tearing our hair out because a small child with delicate tastebuds doesn’t like a big bowl of curry, and perhaps I should get a job.

Its fun, having the website back. Now, instead of wasting my time doing nothing, I can waste my time writing nonsense that no sane man is going to read. Which means I can throw my verbal hat into topics I know next to nothing about like that Twitter website that’s appeared from somewhere.

As I understand it, you get a Twitter feed, and you update it by either text message or IMing it with news of your day to day minutae. Minutia? Minutemen? Not sure. This is, according to Twitters own welcome page blurb, so business colleagues know if you’re running late, something else, and to let your mum know you’re eating soup.

As I understood it from my time updating a LiveJournal (otherwise known as “time I wasn’t being drunk in my first year of uni”), actual blogs are perfectly fine for the rubbish you get up to day by day, and as for stuff like running late for business meetings… I may well be chronically unemployed, and therefore too far out of the employment loop to understand, but if you’re stuck in traffic, and have a phone on you, its a lot more relaible to just, y’know, phone in and say you’ll be late. Just a thought.

Now, another use for Twitter seems to be sticking little news posts on your website, and I understand my gormless blogging service Wordpress has about 583 plugins to allow this, but I’ve not seen many around. I think there’s…

• Jeph Jacques on his site.
• Heccubus on much the same
• And Chefelf… somewhere. There was a Twitter section…

…but he’s got rid of it, mainly because he has a perfectly functional blog, and assumably a perfectly functional phone. Now, observing this short list, you’ll see that two of the aforementioned stuck it up there because its nifty and techy and stuff, and the other is an efamous webcomic artist who assumably wants people to know what sandwich he ate while drawing his wonderfully well drawn Friends-esque comic (insert obligatory “Nah, j/k, they’re cool” etc here, because nah, j/k they are all cool).

People like me, who haven’t done anything really interesting ever, and can’t afford credit on their phone anyway, do not need Twitter. Although it might be interesting to see if Henry Rollins has a Twitter feed. Henry Rollins is a badass. Did you know this? Maybe I should write about Henry Rollins instead of the latest Web 2.0 bollocks that’ll be steamrollered in about 3 years or so.