Yesh, there’s no better way to milk humour out of absolutly nothing than going through your unusual search strings and finding the oddest ones! Then making a completly sucky caption. Credit, as ever, to Yahtzee, who didn’t do it first, but usually did it better.

rolling pin torture
Now, to my knowledge, a rolling pin is an ideal improvised weapon for beating the crap out of someone, due to it being a long hard piece of wood. Normally, you’d imagine an angry housewife battering her husband for some percieved slight, which goes with just about everything I know about women. As a torture device? Not quire so useful. Certainly, you could tie someone up and beat them, but surely you could just use a 2 by 4 for that? A metal rod? Unless its some sort of perverse sex thing (I suppose not that perverse, considering the shape of a rolling pin), I don’t think we need to know.

coconut crap
I know that there’s supposed to be something called a coconut crab, a huge and fearsome looking beast that seems to have crawled out of a first person shooter somewhere. But this is obviously something completly different. Evidently, someone needed to see what happens when a tropical nut tree has a massive shit. But having checked Wikipedia, it turns out coconuts don’t crap! It even seems that trees do not poop whatsoever! Someones a bit confused, methinks.

jackass crab claw
And on the other hand, I think someone was looking for Johnny Knoxville and his pincer hands.

my sexy girlfriend
Why do you need to Google for your sexy girlfriend in the first place? She should be in bed with you right now! Close your laptop and see to her! Unless you’re searching for someone elses sexy girlfriend, but I doubt they’re willing to share. Or you’re searching for my sexy girlfriend, in which case… erm… lets move on, before I get hit.

warhammer nobody to play with
How depressing. He’s spent hundreds of pounds buying all those models, painted them to a beautiful standard, given them splendid scenic bases, and because he’s been hidden in his room painting all that time, there’s no one to play. Never fear, introverted painter of the night! Go to a Games Workshop store on whatever night they have games where whiny twelve year olds aren’t demanding to use the Galloper Guns, take your army, and play someone! Or if you’re someones sexy girlfriend, come play with my little men… and we’ll wrap it up in a second.

converting sternguard with heavy flamers
Just clip off the hands of a Sternguard with a bolter, and pin a heavy flamer in place. I even found a donor model for the heavy flamer. Damn lazy honkeys.

Since I don’t seem to have anything to write about, I think I’ll bore all of you, by wittering on about little plastic men again. And by “all of you”, I mean the janitor cleaning the floors of the empty concert hall I appear to be projecting into. Never mind.

But yeah, if you’ve come here by some miracle of Goggle pointing you here, and you actually want to learn about the new Space Marine Codex, halfway there, old bean. As most good Warhammer nerds should know, the new Space Marine Codex is out next Saturday, along with a bunch of new models, none of which I intend to buy. Except maybe the new Land Raider with flamethrower sponsons. And there’s a very good reason.

While I’ve powered through at least three Fantasy armies in my time, in 40K I’ve always stuck with my beloved Salamanders Space Marines. Green armoured, tribal-African* warriors who aren’t particularly swift, but love burning people with many, many flamers/meltas. Also, having their own armylist in Codex: Armageddon. Something just clicked, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

*I know I’m not alone in thinking African-American is a ridiculous term for people of a black persuasion. What if they’re not from America? And are they necessarily African? Its a very silly word used by people who are afraid they’re going to be killed/sued if they call someone black. Anyway.

Then 4th edition swung round. Byebye special rules for Salamanders, replaced by a few Chapter Traits that worked fine enough for me, mainly because I could then take lightning claws again. New Techmarine, new plastic Terminators, improved colour scheme.

Then 5th edition came out, and I acquired a copy of the new Codex. No, its not paper, but it is perfectly legal, of course. And now I’m telling you what the Salamanders have got out of it.

In terms of fluff, they’re sorted. References to them appear all over the place, including hints at their own make of Land Raider. Its all good, coupled with the fact that they’re getting some books written about them by Nick Kyme, former White Dwarfer. By the looks of it, he’s going to do a bloody good job of it too.

The big problem is that Games Workshop seem to have gone a bit funny with the whole “black” thing. Instead of “whatever-word-I-should-use-instead-African-American-now black”, they’re thinking “literally black”. Apparently, “they were always supposed to be jet black with red eyes”. And maybe they were, back in the days of Rogue Trader, when games were played in black and white, but there would be a good reason to get rid of it: it doesn’t make a shred of goddamn sense. Plus, now all my helmetless marines look like I haven’t painted them properly, which is bad, because coupled with the fact that I haven’t painted them properly makes me look even lazier.

Quite a few new special characters in this book as well, including more bloody Ultramarines (I think they’re trying to force people to play them, because, lets be honest, no one wants to). But the Sallies get a new guy*, bringing in a healthy new dose of fluff. Forgefather Vulkan He’stan, former 4th Company Commander, is the latest Forgefather, a title given to whichever lucky/poor sod is sent roaming the galaxy, looking for the nine technological artefacts their Primach, Vulkan, left all over the galaxy. While a wonderful piece of fluff, it does raise some problems, in that as far as I can tell, Vulkan was supposed to have been killed at the Istvaan Massacre.

*Don’t know why they didn’t just bring back Chaplain Xavier. They actually made a damn model for him, it makes much more sense on considering it. We need that Xavier model! We need Salamander mantles so we can convert our characters! Although that wouldn’t work, considering Games Workshop got rid of their bitz service. Brilliant way to alienate your fanbase there. And why am I doing all these things with asterixes this week?

Coupled with that, how are you supposed to scatter everythig from spears to orbital defense lasers throughout the galaxy without being noticed? If you’re the godlike commander of one of the Emperors Space Marine Legions, you can’t go around hiding things around everywhere without people asking questions. And this is difficult enough with small things like He’stans equipment - a kickass spear, a heavy flamer gauntlet, and an awesome salamander cloak. These are small and easily hideable. The other two artefacts that have been found were a giant forgeship and a giant orbital defense laser. How do you hide one of those? They’re about as big as the moon! You can’t just put a tarp on it and hope nobody notices for ten thousand years!

Inconsistancies aside, He’stan is an awesome warrior, but his inclusion gives Salamanders specialist weapons a boost - all thunder hammers are master crafted, all flamer/melta weapons become twin linked. A very characterful rule which would encourage you to play in a fluff-based way - if they hadn’t buggerd up the special weapons.

Yes, without Chapter Traits anymore, Salamanders can no longer take two flamers in a unit. This completly fucking blows, because I have umpteen flamers, and now I can’t use them. You can still have a meltagun/multimelta in a unit, but that wasn’t something I did very often (not having plastic melta weapons when I assembled my army). Small compensation in that as a nod to the fluff, you can have two flamers - or even heavy flamers - in a Sternguard Veteran squad. Sadly not good enough, but now meaning that in order to have an army that plays in a Salamandery way, I have to take He’stan. Which isn’t good, as my army is themed around the 3rd Company, not around some guys wandering round looking for a kickass hammer, or a pimped out tank, or whatever the last four artefacts are.

Cool thought I’ve just had, and I don’t want you lot stealing (”What lot? Who are you talking to?” hollers the janitor). I might take He’stan, but model him as an Emperors Champion (a la Black Templars, only not in this case). Makes some sense.

So overall, the Salamanders are a lot more fluffed out, but in-game, they kinda suck unless you take a special character every game. I’ve been writing this article for an hour now. Byebye already.

As many of the stoned, over fifties demographic will tell you, if you put on the film “The Wizard Of Oz”, and stick on the Pink Floyd album, “Dark Side Of The Moon”, you have obviously smoked enough draw in the Seventies to do something so utterly pointless. Also, you’ll see an eerie synchronisation between the two. Thinking this was an awesome idea, I hunted down a mashup video off of a perfectly legal download site, then had a watch.

By sheer force of willpower, I managed just under half of the video before declaring “Fuck this”, and throwing it out the window. And by ‘declaring “Fuck this”‘, I mean ‘thinking it to myself, because there wasn’t anyone else there’, and by ‘throwing it out the window’, I mean ‘closing Media Player’. Much less exciting, but I do pride myself on my accuracy. And my good looks. And my command of thirteen languages, incluiding binary, Morse code, and whatever language light bulbs talk in.

I was expecting a marvel of weird, cross-media perculiarities. At the very least, I was expecting something that vaguely resembled a similarity. I think I got two things. Could have been a dodgy video, but I think its because, as I’ve already mentioned, there wasn’t anything better to do in the Seventies when having a spliff. Somebody tried looping them up when stoned off their face, thought it seemed a bit similar, and created a phenomena. This is not something you should do.

Case in point, coupled with another student-life story. One time in Hull, we had a bit to smoke one evening, and that means quite a bit. We then put on a DVD of a program called Phoenix Nights, which I thought to be a documentry series about the unluckiest bar in the entire country. An hours worth of what I thought were horrifying coincidences in bad luck went by, before I realised that it was Peter Kays Phoenix Nights, was supposed to be funny, and was in fact a sitcom, and in no way real whatsoever. This is the sort of mindset I refer you to.

Coupled with that, and hastening my angrily closing the video, is the fact that Pink Floyd is as boring as shit. I recall Jeremy Clarkson, an otherwise impeccably right gentleman, writing that he enjoyed his music to take its time in such a manner, and why do all songs need to be three minutes rushed along and suchlike.

Because if everyone followed the Pink Floyd method, Mr Clarkson, songs would still have one verse, then fifteen minutes of long, repetitive instumental interlude, before another such interlude, and maybe an extra line if you’re good and don’t complain, and have another half an hour of monotonous guitar as well. I don’t follow this. Prog rock is supposed to be the stoner music our fathers had before us, but even with my head submerged in liquid THC, you couldn’t make Pink Floyd sound interesting. When I smoked, you could have said my name in a different accent and had me in a fit of giggles, and I’d have still told you to turn that shit off.

Basically, don’t go playing Dark Side with Oz, or you’ll fall asleep, knock over the ashtray, set you house on fire, then sue me for giving you head trauma. I don’t have a lawyer. I don’t have money. I have some blue cotton thread I found on my desk when I tidied it up earlier. Please don’t do it.

Its probably about time I wrote something here, seeing as I can’t remember offhand the last good thing I wrote that wasn’t made with Ctrl-C and Crtl-V in MS Paint. And since I’m helping a relative shunt stuff into their first grotty student digs tomorrow, it made me go all wibbly wobbly, in such a way as one does when remeniscing about studenthood.

In my case, however, the result of my three years of university study seem to be a huge debt, a pretty yet useless cetificate, and a hermit-like existance similar to a dweller of 4chan. Still, I made some silly videos, which I shall reference as necessary.

1.) When times are hard, you can make a delicious meal out of anything. Even when times are plentiful, like the end of the year…

1 and a half.) However, not everything you try will be a triumph of culinary prowess, or even edible.

2.) Make sure you work hard, hand in your essays on time, done to the best of your ability. It may seem boring and pointless at the time, but will result in a better scoring degree, which will be more useful. Do not waste your essay writing time filming yourself taking your shoes off.

3.)  Don’t spend all your time working, however. Make sure you take some time out to have fun with your friends…

4.) If you’re going to play your music godawfully loud, make sure its good, or at the least, will not inspire people to gut you like a fish.

Also, don’t invite your boyfriend to live with you and your housemates, then spend a year have screaming arguements.

5.) If someone doesn’t do their washing up, literlly beat them black and blue until they do it. No video here, but seriously.

6.) When you enter student accommodation in the first year, bring a bottle of something alcoholic to help make new friends. Then let the real you shine out.

7.) If you can record your own message on your doorbell, quote Dinosaur Comics when you’re drunk, and see what people say about it.

8.) Smoke lots of pot.

9.) Have a ridiculously posh-sounding voice. Failing that, have an uneering resemblance to Mick Jagger.

10.) Don’t take anything people on the Internet say seriously.

Maybe one of these days, I’ll do something like this properly, without using it as an excuse to whore out my MePipe videos.

Everyone loves Henry Skull. Here is Henry Skull. And here it will be.

I’ve been studying American television for a fair while now, mainly because I don’t really need my brain, and I needed a reason to claw out my eyeballs. A common trend seems to be Americans taking fine examples of British properties (The Office, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, anything by Roald Dahl) and making astoundingly horrible remakes set in America. So I thought, perhaps this might work the other way round. Maybe I take something truly awesome from American television, such as House MD, and adapt it for a British audience. I’ve only done bits of it so far, mainly because I’m an idiot, and not a scriptwriter, but here’s some bits from the scripts. Enjoy!

Extract 1

HOUSE: Have you got that liver biopsy yet?

FOREMAN: Just got it.

HOUSE: Well, what does it say?

FOREMAN: I don’t know, it’ll be back from the lab in three weeks.

Extract 2

PATIENT: You must be doctor House.

HOUSE: We’ve worked out what you’re going to die of.

PATIENT: You’ve worked out why my feet have melted, my nose exploded and my heart stopped?

HOUSE: No, you’ve caught an infection in the hospital.

Extract 3

CHASE: Mrs Patient, you need surgury to chop your septic leg off.

PATIENT: How soon can I go into surgury?

CHASE: Six to eight weeks.

PATIENT: So what choices do I have?

CHASE: Erm… a private hospital?

PATIENT: I don’t want to give up an arm and a leg, if I only need my leg chopped off.

CHASE: You could go abroad and get it done there.

PATIENT: Sorted!

Extract 4

CAMERON: OK, Mr Generic Patient Guy, we’ll just stick you in this MRI machine, and work out what’s wrong…

(lights go out)

FOREMAN: Oh Christ, they didn’t pay the electricity bill again.

CAMERON: Incidently, have you seen Cuddys new diamond-coated car?

FOREMAN: No, she’s been on holiday in the Bahamas the last three weeks with the other hospital administrators.

Its always fun pretending I’m topical, isn’t it?

…

Evidently, I have no idea. I hate driving lessons.