Right, lets see, what been down with the site then? Lets see…

Last time I updated, it was when I went to see Pendulum in London with the lads. In true musical elitist form, I’m going to have to say that seeing them in Brixton Academy was not as good as seeing them in a small club in Hull. Altho I feel that may have been related to the mass of ecstacy I had before the small club. And all the bellends in Brixton starting a mosh pit. Do I remember someone trying to start a circle pit? You can’t have a circle pit at a drum’n'bass gig.

And what have people been commenting on? I did a rant about Salamanders (not the amphibians, the Space Marines), and that’s had lots of people commenting on it, not realising I hadn’t updated in over a year. Well, I’ll catch up with them in a bit, and possibly do a sequal. Or not. There’s not a lot to follow up “they nerfed my favourite Space Marine chapter, boo hoo”.

And what have I done with my time?

Erm…

I’ve been playing lots of Kingdom of Loathing over the last year. Seriously loads. Like, everyones getting sick of me going on about it, and I’m minding other peoples accounts for them, and I’m basically running my clan, loads. And the only thing stopping me writing Greasemonkey scripts for it, is hating the shit out of Javascript.

Employment? Really? Would love some. Hit me up with an email if you’re some loony who wants to give me a job, based on this one update. Seriously, the only reason I’m not trying male prositution is a lack of positions available for male prositutions. Definatly not my standards, oh no.

That’ll do for now. Hope that this tiny stone gathers some moss and I start writing awesome content, don’t expect it.

• My santa hat got more action with the ladies than me. And I don’t mean in a “that’s a sexy hat!” way, I mean as in a “being stuffed down a very ample cleavage” way.
• Sixteen thousand crushed plastic cups are very hard to dance on.
• Over one thousand people trying to start a mosh pit in an approximatly hundred square meter area are very hard to dance with.
• Give the man handing out free badges a fake email address, you cretin.
• Don’t believe the official timetable on the venue website. The headlining band will not finish just before the last train home, it will start at the same time as the last train home.
• Do not believe the 3am bus driver. You will not be dropped by a pub in the middle of town, you will be dropped by a random A-road in the middle of nowhere.
• OK, I can see you need a smoke, and don’t want to leave the front of the stage to go to the smoking area. So yeah, ducking down to have a smoke is a genius plan. But why aren’t you dying of dehydration as well? And how does that make a fag palletable at all?
• When buying your tickets on eBay, check they’re on the main stalls, and not in the balcony a hundred miles away from the action. That took a bit of work to sort out.
• Do not try starting a circle pit to Pendulum, for fucks sake. They’re a drum’n'bass act with metal influences, not a goddamn metal band. You want to pull that shit, find Shellshock, they’re a metal band with drum’n'bass influences, you can do that shit with them. Let me have some room to dance already.
• London prices are always London prices.

And the only sign of one I’ve seen since I found on in 2005… was when I was looking through the archives of my old LiveJournal, and found that picture… in the entry saying I couldn’t find one.

Brilliant use of my novel-writing time there, but I’m over 10,000 words, and I’m hoping to pump out more when I’m not working next week.

We have been at war on and off for umpteen million years, but only this morning, the despotic warlord JM Hoffman overstepped the mark by too much. Let me tell you what happened.

Out of sheer desperation, I arranged an interview for a Christmas job sorting post for the Royal Mail, a horrible job only made easier by a.) them seemingly employing anyone who can hold a pen b.) paying money. These two things meant I navigated their nonsensical application website, before being told I had an interview on Monday 14th October. Having arrranged it for 9am so I could get a decent shift, I went off to bed last night (Sunday night), alarm set nice and early, and fell asleep nice and late due to a bit of web design I’ve been working on recently.

Three hours sleep later, I haul my arse out of bed, negotiate a rushed breakfast, a crazed bus, and the unfortunate tummy that dislikes the previous two being combined. I get to the sorting office, get told to wait and someone will be right down… and no-one comes right down for half an hour.

You don’t need me to tell you what he told me when I showed him my confirmation email. It was Tuesday 14th October. So I’ve wasted a morning, and I’ve got to do it all again tomorrow.

This, of course, can only have been the work of that fiendish, dictionary-snorting megalomaniac JM Hoffman’s doing, so I have summoned my e-lawyer (Summon Parasite, casting level 15), to rid the earth of that travesty of a Tripod page. And if all else fails, I have a death lazer.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

• Nobody seems to want to hire me yet, since I’m currently a scrawny student doing not a lot. Dogg needs more portfolio. Which seems a little stupid, but its the world, no job no experience, no experience no job” thing. But this being the internet, any sod can put up a site. So I’m working on that now.
• But since my main client is my family, that’s a bit difficult. I’ll have to start sneaking links to my web design portfolio in relevant sounding text. Like that.
• But yeah, main bit of web design is still here, and on the site in the links. And that’s not making much money, since the upkeep of the other one is paid for by me not being chucked out on my arse.
• I’m about to start learning how to make things in Flash, though, so not only is that another cool thing for the CV, it also means I can make cool Flash things to put here! Pimptacular!
• I’m going to start making another family-business website in about a month, and webmastering for an old one sometime soon.
• Ironically, I made the first version of the second site I mentioned there, but they replaced it with a package of some sort. Still using a logo I made in fifteen minutes in Paint, mind.
• I’ve made them a newer one now though, and it looks so much nicer.
• More excitingly, I’ve been contracted to make a website for the last guy on Earth you’d expect, except for the fact that its actually bloody obvious. I’m really excited about this one, because its going to be an awesome website, and its more things to put on the CV.
• I hate Javascript.

That’ll do, I’m out.

rolling pin torture
Now, to my knowledge, a rolling pin is an ideal improvised weapon for beating the crap out of someone, due to it being a long hard piece of wood. Normally, you’d imagine an angry housewife battering her husband for some percieved slight, which goes with just about everything I know about women. As a torture device? Not quire so useful. Certainly, you could tie someone up and beat them, but surely you could just use a 2 by 4 for that? A metal rod? Unless its some sort of perverse sex thing (I suppose not that perverse, considering the shape of a rolling pin), I don’t think we need to know.

coconut crap
I know that there’s supposed to be something called a coconut crab, a huge and fearsome looking beast that seems to have crawled out of a first person shooter somewhere. But this is obviously something completly different. Evidently, someone needed to see what happens when a tropical nut tree has a massive shit. But having checked Wikipedia, it turns out coconuts don’t crap! It even seems that trees do not poop whatsoever! Someones a bit confused, methinks.

jackass crab claw
And on the other hand, I think someone was looking for Johnny Knoxville and his pincer hands.

my sexy girlfriend
Why do you need to Google for your sexy girlfriend in the first place? She should be in bed with you right now! Close your laptop and see to her! Unless you’re searching for someone elses sexy girlfriend, but I doubt they’re willing to share. Or you’re searching for my sexy girlfriend, in which case… erm… lets move on, before I get hit.

warhammer nobody to play with
How depressing. He’s spent hundreds of pounds buying all those models, painted them to a beautiful standard, given them splendid scenic bases, and because he’s been hidden in his room painting all that time, there’s no one to play. Never fear, introverted painter of the night! Go to a Games Workshop store on whatever night they have games where whiny twelve year olds aren’t demanding to use the Galloper Guns, take your army, and play someone! Or if you’re someones sexy girlfriend, come play with my little men… and we’ll wrap it up in a second.

converting sternguard with heavy flamers
Just clip off the hands of a Sternguard with a bolter, and pin a heavy flamer in place. I even found a donor model for the heavy flamer. Damn lazy honkeys.

Evidently, I have no idea. I hate driving lessons.

- Just because the ant powder declares it will kill fish, birds, and your garden, does not mean it will actually kill ants, or even mildly intimidate them. You want the spray that looks like water for that.

- Walnuts go with anything. Walnuts go with everything. Walnuts are delicious. Eat walnuts.

- Nowhere will sell you the awesome tequilla flavoured beer they have everywhere else in Europe. Even though its the Costa Brava, and they’re throwing sombreros at you.

- (I wish I had a better site to link to back there.)

- Seven year old cousins who know next to no English are nonetheless perfect mimics, as long as they mimic stuff you don’t want repeated, such as screaming, or the word “foot”.

- Spanish drivers do not believe in “smooth gear changes”, “careful driving”, “not stopping in the middle of a goddamn roundabout”, or “safe overtaking”.

- Seriously, I saw a moped overtaking a car, which was itself overtaking another car at the time.

- People who write tourist guidebooks have magical running powers, as they can apparently get up and down a steep, hilly and abundantly tall mountain in 40 minutes, where us normal people are wheezing with our hour each way.

- If you are so drunk you cannot even walk straight, you can nonetheless use a diving board.

- Sangria is goddamn delicious.

- Always make sure the DJ at the campsite bar has more than one CD, or you will hear “YMCA” played at least four times a night.

- If your girlfriend accidently trips you over, and your face is pointing in the direction of another girls behind for about a second as a result, you are cheating on your girlfriend. You horrible, horrible person.

- Don’t just fill the barbeque with gas and stick a match in there, or you’ll lose your eyebrows.

- Take the ring off of the security wire before trying it for size, or it will be too big.

- Thanks to no knowledge of Spanish, and a opposing incomprehension of English, you will never know whether the tattoo artist actually met David Gorman, or simply saw the Googlewhack Adventure DVD as well.

- Put some god damn suncream on already, being sunburned is not fun damnit.

- The pool is always cold, its just how hot you are at the time that changes whether that’s a good thing or not.

- Kittens cannot sit on sombreros.

- You cannot take the stray kittens home.

- No.

- No you can’t.

By the by, I’m back. I’ll write more when I’m in a better position to do it.