My e-lawyers have gotten back to me, and it seems I have a perfectly good case against Jelly Pufflemur. The e-writ should be with him by the end of this week, but that’s  just too long for me. I’m a busy man. So I intend to set my death ray to work.

My death ray, by the way, isn’t a real death ray. You’re thinking of a laser cannon, and I haven’t even drawn up the plans for that.

You’ll see what it can do soon.

Yesh, there’s no better way to milk humour out of absolutly nothing than going through your unusual search strings and finding the oddest ones! Then making a completly sucky caption. Credit, as ever, to Yahtzee, who didn’t do it first, but usually did it better.

rolling pin torture
Now, to my knowledge, a rolling pin is an ideal improvised weapon for beating the crap out of someone, due to it being a long hard piece of wood. Normally, you’d imagine an angry housewife battering her husband for some percieved slight, which goes with just about everything I know about women. As a torture device? Not quire so useful. Certainly, you could tie someone up and beat them, but surely you could just use a 2 by 4 for that? A metal rod? Unless its some sort of perverse sex thing (I suppose not that perverse, considering the shape of a rolling pin), I don’t think we need to know.

coconut crap
I know that there’s supposed to be something called a coconut crab, a huge and fearsome looking beast that seems to have crawled out of a first person shooter somewhere. But this is obviously something completly different. Evidently, someone needed to see what happens when a tropical nut tree has a massive shit. But having checked Wikipedia, it turns out coconuts don’t crap! It even seems that trees do not poop whatsoever! Someones a bit confused, methinks.

jackass crab claw
And on the other hand, I think someone was looking for Johnny Knoxville and his pincer hands.

my sexy girlfriend
Why do you need to Google for your sexy girlfriend in the first place? She should be in bed with you right now! Close your laptop and see to her! Unless you’re searching for someone elses sexy girlfriend, but I doubt they’re willing to share. Or you’re searching for my sexy girlfriend, in which case… erm… lets move on, before I get hit.

warhammer nobody to play with
How depressing. He’s spent hundreds of pounds buying all those models, painted them to a beautiful standard, given them splendid scenic bases, and because he’s been hidden in his room painting all that time, there’s no one to play. Never fear, introverted painter of the night! Go to a Games Workshop store on whatever night they have games where whiny twelve year olds aren’t demanding to use the Galloper Guns, take your army, and play someone! Or if you’re someones sexy girlfriend, come play with my little men… and we’ll wrap it up in a second.

converting sternguard with heavy flamers
Just clip off the hands of a Sternguard with a bolter, and pin a heavy flamer in place. I even found a donor model for the heavy flamer. Damn lazy honkeys.

Its probably about time I wrote something here, seeing as I can’t remember offhand the last good thing I wrote that wasn’t made with Ctrl-C and Crtl-V in MS Paint. And since I’m helping a relative shunt stuff into their first grotty student digs tomorrow, it made me go all wibbly wobbly, in such a way as one does when remeniscing about studenthood.

In my case, however, the result of my three years of university study seem to be a huge debt, a pretty yet useless cetificate, and a hermit-like existance similar to a dweller of 4chan. Still, I made some silly videos, which I shall reference as necessary.

1.) When times are hard, you can make a delicious meal out of anything. Even when times are plentiful, like the end of the year…

1 and a half.) However, not everything you try will be a triumph of culinary prowess, or even edible.

2.) Make sure you work hard, hand in your essays on time, done to the best of your ability. It may seem boring and pointless at the time, but will result in a better scoring degree, which will be more useful. Do not waste your essay writing time filming yourself taking your shoes off.

3.)  Don’t spend all your time working, however. Make sure you take some time out to have fun with your friends…

4.) If you’re going to play your music godawfully loud, make sure its good, or at the least, will not inspire people to gut you like a fish.

Also, don’t invite your boyfriend to live with you and your housemates, then spend a year have screaming arguements.

5.) If someone doesn’t do their washing up, literlly beat them black and blue until they do it. No video here, but seriously.

6.) When you enter student accommodation in the first year, bring a bottle of something alcoholic to help make new friends. Then let the real you shine out.

7.) If you can record your own message on your doorbell, quote Dinosaur Comics when you’re drunk, and see what people say about it.

8.) Smoke lots of pot.

9.) Have a ridiculously posh-sounding voice. Failing that, have an uneering resemblance to Mick Jagger.

10.) Don’t take anything people on the Internet say seriously.

Maybe one of these days, I’ll do something like this properly, without using it as an excuse to whore out my MePipe videos.

I’ve been studying American television for a fair while now, mainly because I don’t really need my brain, and I needed a reason to claw out my eyeballs. A common trend seems to be Americans taking fine examples of British properties (The Office, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, anything by Roald Dahl) and making astoundingly horrible remakes set in America. So I thought, perhaps this might work the other way round. Maybe I take something truly awesome from American television, such as House MD, and adapt it for a British audience. I’ve only done bits of it so far, mainly because I’m an idiot, and not a scriptwriter, but here’s some bits from the scripts. Enjoy!

Extract 1

HOUSE: Have you got that liver biopsy yet?

FOREMAN: Just got it.

HOUSE: Well, what does it say?

FOREMAN: I don’t know, it’ll be back from the lab in three weeks.

Extract 2

PATIENT: You must be doctor House.

HOUSE: We’ve worked out what you’re going to die of.

PATIENT: You’ve worked out why my feet have melted, my nose exploded and my heart stopped?

HOUSE: No, you’ve caught an infection in the hospital.

Extract 3

CHASE: Mrs Patient, you need surgury to chop your septic leg off.

PATIENT: How soon can I go into surgury?

CHASE: Six to eight weeks.

PATIENT: So what choices do I have?

CHASE: Erm… a private hospital?

PATIENT: I don’t want to give up an arm and a leg, if I only need my leg chopped off.

CHASE: You could go abroad and get it done there.

PATIENT: Sorted!

Extract 4

CAMERON: OK, Mr Generic Patient Guy, we’ll just stick you in this MRI machine, and work out what’s wrong…

(lights go out)

FOREMAN: Oh Christ, they didn’t pay the electricity bill again.

CAMERON: Incidently, have you seen Cuddys new diamond-coated car?

FOREMAN: No, she’s been on holiday in the Bahamas the last three weeks with the other hospital administrators.

Its always fun pretending I’m topical, isn’t it?

- No matter how hard you look for one, someone else always has a bigger sombrero.

- Just because the ant powder declares it will kill fish, birds, and your garden, does not mean it will actually kill ants, or even mildly intimidate them. You want the spray that looks like water for that.

- Walnuts go with anything. Walnuts go with everything. Walnuts are delicious. Eat walnuts.

- Nowhere will sell you the awesome tequilla flavoured beer they have everywhere else in Europe. Even though its the Costa Brava, and they’re throwing sombreros at you.

- (I wish I had a better site to link to back there.)

- Seven year old cousins who know next to no English are nonetheless perfect mimics, as long as they mimic stuff you don’t want repeated, such as screaming, or the word “foot”.

- Spanish drivers do not believe in “smooth gear changes”, “careful driving”, “not stopping in the middle of a goddamn roundabout”, or “safe overtaking”.

- Seriously, I saw a moped overtaking a car, which was itself overtaking another car at the time.

- People who write tourist guidebooks have magical running powers, as they can apparently get up and down a steep, hilly and abundantly tall mountain in 40 minutes, where us normal people are wheezing with our hour each way.

- If you are so drunk you cannot even walk straight, you can nonetheless use a diving board.

- Sangria is goddamn delicious.

- Always make sure the DJ at the campsite bar has more than one CD, or you will hear “YMCA” played at least four times a night.

- If your girlfriend accidently trips you over, and your face is pointing in the direction of another girls behind for about a second as a result, you are cheating on your girlfriend. You horrible, horrible person.

- Don’t just fill the barbeque with gas and stick a match in there, or you’ll lose your eyebrows.

- Take the ring off of the security wire before trying it for size, or it will be too big.

- Thanks to no knowledge of Spanish, and a opposing incomprehension of English, you will never know whether the tattoo artist actually met David Gorman, or simply saw the Googlewhack Adventure DVD as well.

- Put some god damn suncream on already, being sunburned is not fun damnit.

- The pool is always cold, its just how hot you are at the time that changes whether that’s a good thing or not.

- Kittens cannot sit on sombreros.

- You cannot take the stray kittens home.

- No.

- No you can’t.

I like to think I have a finger on the pulse of popular culture. This is, of course, utter bollocks. I can muster some trivia about metal bands, and the obligatory Pretentious Rant About How Film Adaptions Of Books Are Crap. So I wasn’t too fazed by some film called Napoleon Dynamite swanning by, dropping memes and hipster T-shirts in its wake. If the box tells the truth, I was busy being drunk at the time.

Nonetheless, the time always comes when you’ve got nothing else to watch, you’re not sinking to taking the shrink wrap off of a boxed set of Lost someone thought was worth the cost of the DVDs, and your only other option is a DVD box with a guy wearing an afro.

Opinions from people I know have ranged between “Its awesome”, “give it a few plays and it’ll be awesome”, and “its shit”. All these people have, however, agreed on one thing: nothing really happens in the film. Which is sort of right. It is a story, in that it has characters whom things happen to, but there is no plot. Any goals the characters have last more than 15 minutes in film time.

What it is, thinks this pretentious pundit, is a shallow look at the life of the socially maladjusted. Everybody knew a Napoleon at school, some weird looking, weird acting guy who didn’t get on with many, if any, people, and perhaps didn’t come from a particularly well-off background, so probably smelt of beans. We didn’t know them (well, I assume not, unless the good reader was that guy), because they didn’t tell us, so we didn’t know what got them ticking. And his family doesn’t escape this banner either, his 27 year old brother still living at home chasing a girl on the internet, his uncle trying to stay flush with a desperate variety of jobs. Had a different director gone with this film, it could have been an interesting, perhaps introspective look at the life of the underdog.

But as you can easily forget, this was an MTV film, which brought us such cinematic classics as “Jackass: The Movie”, where a gang of thick Americans do dangerous stuff, and Henry Rollins drives an off-road vehicle, “Jackass The Movie 2″, where a gang of thick Americans do more dangerous stuff, but Henry Rollins does not drive an off-road vehicle, and “Coach Carter”, where Samuel Jackson is a badass scarty black man. Again. Only he coaches a basketball team while doing it.

With this fine pedigree of work behind them, they had to push out the boat to make Napoleon Dynamite a stupid film. Hence a distinct lack of plot, as mentioned, but also a bunch of pointless things like the dance routine at the end, and the whole “Vote For Pedro” thing. Even though he did have an awesome wig.

So, to ruin what was going to be a good piece of writing by just not caring about it anymore, if you’ve survived this long without seeing Napoleon Dynamite, you won’t miss much by not watching it. Unless you’re a gigantic nerd living in Idaho, in which case you might be worried by the biographical nature of the film.

I guess I need to write some words here, so that people can read them and get the impression that I can actually write stuff, instead of just having a website full of me writing about how I don’t write anything. And in time honoured fashion, I had an awesome idea for something to write about, that went away as soon as my eye got caught by something pretty, like a concrete bridge, or the twenty pound note being dangled on a fishing hook by a man standing on the bridge. That’s my explanation for having a fishing hook through my tounge and I’m sticking with it.

So instead of that, which was all nonsense and fabrication anyway, I’m going to write about stuff that comes to mind, and see where I go with it. Problem is, I’m been reading too much Achewood recently, so its going to end up with their awesome syntax, and probably hella references to things people who have a life won’t understand.

So I’m doing that jogging thing, or at least running around in circles near my house occasionly, and I’ve come to the conclusion you can’t run for thirty minutes wearing hiking boots. Let me stop pretending I’m not blogging, or let me put a coherent sentence structure rogether, I guess I can only pull one of these off.

Perhaps making such thing as a Guinness ice lolly would be a fine waste of time some day. Ice lollys are good, and people like Guinness, so it could work. And was not at all inspired by seeing the big Guinness hat in my room.

OK, I’m going to give up before I write something truly mediocre. I’ll put some pictures up soon or something. Take care, y’all.

Hello, two men and a dog who read this on a regular basis! Every now and then, I like to imagine people listen to what I say, and my advice might benefit people. Thus far, this advice has resulted in three deaths, fifteen maimings, and a presidential coup in the Eastern Bloc. But I’ll get it right one day. And until then, we’ll go for something nice, like a quiet afternoon round of Halo with your dearly beloved.

• Always be courteuos, make sure she’s comfortable, gets the nice chair, the controller of her choice, etc.
• Give her first call on whether you play co-op or deathmatch.
• When she’s trying to find her bearings, and how the controls work, don’t just shoot her as she’s looking up and down. Remember how you were when you picked up a game for the first time? Exactly. Be nice.
• Don’t go strafing round her shooting her as she’s shooting you. That’s cheating! She wouldn’t do it to you!
• If you’re playing co-op, don’t accidently shoot her. You’re on the same team, you need to be working together to take out a greater enemy. Never mind the time she shot you “just because it was funny”, that was funny!
• If she’s reloading, don’t shoot her. She can’t fire while she’re reloading, so its not fair on her.
• if she’s finding a different weapon, don’t shoot her.
• If she’s shooting you, don’t shoot her.
• If you’re winning, don’t shoot her.
• If you’re losing, don’t shoot her.
• In fact, just go and have a cup of tea while she pops caps in your arse for fifteen minutes.
• If you break any of the above, curl up in the fetal position as the abuse reigns down on you.

Next week, join us for A Guide To Playing Monopoly With Your Girlfriend (a short summery: DO ANYTHING ELSE ON THE PLANET).

Sometimes I do wonder how I avoid being single. Magic and cuddles, I think.