Yesh, there’s no better way to milk humour out of absolutly nothing than going through your unusual search strings and finding the oddest ones! Then making a completly sucky caption. Credit, as ever, to Yahtzee, who didn’t do it first, but usually did it better.

rolling pin torture
Now, to my knowledge, a rolling pin is an ideal improvised weapon for beating the crap out of someone, due to it being a long hard piece of wood. Normally, you’d imagine an angry housewife battering her husband for some percieved slight, which goes with just about everything I know about women. As a torture device? Not quire so useful. Certainly, you could tie someone up and beat them, but surely you could just use a 2 by 4 for that? A metal rod? Unless its some sort of perverse sex thing (I suppose not that perverse, considering the shape of a rolling pin), I don’t think we need to know.

coconut crap
I know that there’s supposed to be something called a coconut crab, a huge and fearsome looking beast that seems to have crawled out of a first person shooter somewhere. But this is obviously something completly different. Evidently, someone needed to see what happens when a tropical nut tree has a massive shit. But having checked Wikipedia, it turns out coconuts don’t crap! It even seems that trees do not poop whatsoever! Someones a bit confused, methinks.

jackass crab claw
And on the other hand, I think someone was looking for Johnny Knoxville and his pincer hands.

my sexy girlfriend
Why do you need to Google for your sexy girlfriend in the first place? She should be in bed with you right now! Close your laptop and see to her! Unless you’re searching for someone elses sexy girlfriend, but I doubt they’re willing to share. Or you’re searching for my sexy girlfriend, in which case… erm… lets move on, before I get hit.

warhammer nobody to play with
How depressing. He’s spent hundreds of pounds buying all those models, painted them to a beautiful standard, given them splendid scenic bases, and because he’s been hidden in his room painting all that time, there’s no one to play. Never fear, introverted painter of the night! Go to a Games Workshop store on whatever night they have games where whiny twelve year olds aren’t demanding to use the Galloper Guns, take your army, and play someone! Or if you’re someones sexy girlfriend, come play with my little men… and we’ll wrap it up in a second.

converting sternguard with heavy flamers
Just clip off the hands of a Sternguard with a bolter, and pin a heavy flamer in place. I even found a donor model for the heavy flamer. Damn lazy honkeys.

Its probably about time I wrote something here, seeing as I can’t remember offhand the last good thing I wrote that wasn’t made with Ctrl-C and Crtl-V in MS Paint. And since I’m helping a relative shunt stuff into their first grotty student digs tomorrow, it made me go all wibbly wobbly, in such a way as one does when remeniscing about studenthood.

In my case, however, the result of my three years of university study seem to be a huge debt, a pretty yet useless cetificate, and a hermit-like existance similar to a dweller of 4chan. Still, I made some silly videos, which I shall reference as necessary.

1.) When times are hard, you can make a delicious meal out of anything. Even when times are plentiful, like the end of the year…

1 and a half.) However, not everything you try will be a triumph of culinary prowess, or even edible.

2.) Make sure you work hard, hand in your essays on time, done to the best of your ability. It may seem boring and pointless at the time, but will result in a better scoring degree, which will be more useful. Do not waste your essay writing time filming yourself taking your shoes off.

3.)  Don’t spend all your time working, however. Make sure you take some time out to have fun with your friends…

4.) If you’re going to play your music godawfully loud, make sure its good, or at the least, will not inspire people to gut you like a fish.

Also, don’t invite your boyfriend to live with you and your housemates, then spend a year have screaming arguements.

5.) If someone doesn’t do their washing up, literlly beat them black and blue until they do it. No video here, but seriously.

6.) When you enter student accommodation in the first year, bring a bottle of something alcoholic to help make new friends. Then let the real you shine out.

7.) If you can record your own message on your doorbell, quote Dinosaur Comics when you’re drunk, and see what people say about it.

8.) Smoke lots of pot.

9.) Have a ridiculously posh-sounding voice. Failing that, have an uneering resemblance to Mick Jagger.

10.) Don’t take anything people on the Internet say seriously.

Maybe one of these days, I’ll do something like this properly, without using it as an excuse to whore out my MePipe videos.

I’ve been studying American television for a fair while now, mainly because I don’t really need my brain, and I needed a reason to claw out my eyeballs. A common trend seems to be Americans taking fine examples of British properties (The Office, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, anything by Roald Dahl) and making astoundingly horrible remakes set in America. So I thought, perhaps this might work the other way round. Maybe I take something truly awesome from American television, such as House MD, and adapt it for a British audience. I’ve only done bits of it so far, mainly because I’m an idiot, and not a scriptwriter, but here’s some bits from the scripts. Enjoy!

Extract 1

HOUSE: Have you got that liver biopsy yet?

FOREMAN: Just got it.

HOUSE: Well, what does it say?

FOREMAN: I don’t know, it’ll be back from the lab in three weeks.

Extract 2

PATIENT: You must be doctor House.

HOUSE: We’ve worked out what you’re going to die of.

PATIENT: You’ve worked out why my feet have melted, my nose exploded and my heart stopped?

HOUSE: No, you’ve caught an infection in the hospital.

Extract 3

CHASE: Mrs Patient, you need surgury to chop your septic leg off.

PATIENT: How soon can I go into surgury?

CHASE: Six to eight weeks.

PATIENT: So what choices do I have?

CHASE: Erm… a private hospital?

PATIENT: I don’t want to give up an arm and a leg, if I only need my leg chopped off.

CHASE: You could go abroad and get it done there.

PATIENT: Sorted!

Extract 4

CAMERON: OK, Mr Generic Patient Guy, we’ll just stick you in this MRI machine, and work out what’s wrong…

(lights go out)

FOREMAN: Oh Christ, they didn’t pay the electricity bill again.

CAMERON: Incidently, have you seen Cuddys new diamond-coated car?

FOREMAN: No, she’s been on holiday in the Bahamas the last three weeks with the other hospital administrators.

Its always fun pretending I’m topical, isn’t it?