I’ve been studying American television for a fair while now, mainly because I don’t really need my brain, and I needed a reason to claw out my eyeballs. A common trend seems to be Americans taking fine examples of British properties (The Office, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, anything by Roald Dahl) and making astoundingly horrible remakes set in America. So I thought, perhaps this might work the other way round. Maybe I take something truly awesome from American television, such as House MD, and adapt it for a British audience. I’ve only done bits of it so far, mainly because I’m an idiot, and not a scriptwriter, but here’s some bits from the scripts. Enjoy!

Extract 1

HOUSE: Have you got that liver biopsy yet?

FOREMAN: Just got it.

HOUSE: Well, what does it say?

FOREMAN: I don’t know, it’ll be back from the lab in three weeks.

Extract 2

PATIENT: You must be doctor House.

HOUSE: We’ve worked out what you’re going to die of.

PATIENT: You’ve worked out why my feet have melted, my nose exploded and my heart stopped?

HOUSE: No, you’ve caught an infection in the hospital.

Extract 3

CHASE: Mrs Patient, you need surgury to chop your septic leg off.

PATIENT: How soon can I go into surgury?

CHASE: Six to eight weeks.

PATIENT: So what choices do I have?

CHASE: Erm… a private hospital?

PATIENT: I don’t want to give up an arm and a leg, if I only need my leg chopped off.

CHASE: You could go abroad and get it done there.

PATIENT: Sorted!

Extract 4

CAMERON: OK, Mr Generic Patient Guy, we’ll just stick you in this MRI machine, and work out what’s wrong…

(lights go out)

FOREMAN: Oh Christ, they didn’t pay the electricity bill again.

CAMERON: Incidently, have you seen Cuddys new diamond-coated car?

FOREMAN: No, she’s been on holiday in the Bahamas the last three weeks with the other hospital administrators.

Its always fun pretending I’m topical, isn’t it?