As many of the stoned, over fifties demographic will tell you, if you put on the film “The Wizard Of Oz”, and stick on the Pink Floyd album, “Dark Side Of The Moon”, you have obviously smoked enough draw in the Seventies to do something so utterly pointless. Also, you’ll see an eerie synchronisation between the two. Thinking this was an awesome idea, I hunted down a mashup video off of a perfectly legal download site, then had a watch.

By sheer force of willpower, I managed just under half of the video before declaring “Fuck this”, and throwing it out the window. And by ‘declaring “Fuck this”‘, I mean ‘thinking it to myself, because there wasn’t anyone else there’, and by ‘throwing it out the window’, I mean ‘closing Media Player’. Much less exciting, but I do pride myself on my accuracy. And my good looks. And my command of thirteen languages, incluiding binary, Morse code, and whatever language light bulbs talk in.

I was expecting a marvel of weird, cross-media perculiarities. At the very least, I was expecting something that vaguely resembled a similarity. I think I got two things. Could have been a dodgy video, but I think its because, as I’ve already mentioned, there wasn’t anything better to do in the Seventies when having a spliff. Somebody tried looping them up when stoned off their face, thought it seemed a bit similar, and created a phenomena. This is not something you should do.

Case in point, coupled with another student-life story. One time in Hull, we had a bit to smoke one evening, and that means quite a bit. We then put on a DVD of a program called Phoenix Nights, which I thought to be a documentry series about the unluckiest bar in the entire country. An hours worth of what I thought were horrifying coincidences in bad luck went by, before I realised that it was Peter Kays Phoenix Nights, was supposed to be funny, and was in fact a sitcom, and in no way real whatsoever. This is the sort of mindset I refer you to.

Coupled with that, and hastening my angrily closing the video, is the fact that Pink Floyd is as boring as shit. I recall Jeremy Clarkson, an otherwise impeccably right gentleman, writing that he enjoyed his music to take its time in such a manner, and why do all songs need to be three minutes rushed along and suchlike.

Because if everyone followed the Pink Floyd method, Mr Clarkson, songs would still have one verse, then fifteen minutes of long, repetitive instumental interlude, before another such interlude, and maybe an extra line if you’re good and don’t complain, and have another half an hour of monotonous guitar as well. I don’t follow this. Prog rock is supposed to be the stoner music our fathers had before us, but even with my head submerged in liquid THC, you couldn’t make Pink Floyd sound interesting. When I smoked, you could have said my name in a different accent and had me in a fit of giggles, and I’d have still told you to turn that shit off.

Basically, don’t go playing Dark Side with Oz, or you’ll fall asleep, knock over the ashtray, set you house on fire, then sue me for giving you head trauma. I don’t have a lawyer. I don’t have money. I have some blue cotton thread I found on my desk when I tidied it up earlier. Please don’t do it.

Its probably about time I wrote something here, seeing as I can’t remember offhand the last good thing I wrote that wasn’t made with Ctrl-C and Crtl-V in MS Paint. And since I’m helping a relative shunt stuff into their first grotty student digs tomorrow, it made me go all wibbly wobbly, in such a way as one does when remeniscing about studenthood.

In my case, however, the result of my three years of university study seem to be a huge debt, a pretty yet useless cetificate, and a hermit-like existance similar to a dweller of 4chan. Still, I made some silly videos, which I shall reference as necessary.

1.) When times are hard, you can make a delicious meal out of anything. Even when times are plentiful, like the end of the year…

1 and a half.) However, not everything you try will be a triumph of culinary prowess, or even edible.

2.) Make sure you work hard, hand in your essays on time, done to the best of your ability. It may seem boring and pointless at the time, but will result in a better scoring degree, which will be more useful. Do not waste your essay writing time filming yourself taking your shoes off.

3.)  Don’t spend all your time working, however. Make sure you take some time out to have fun with your friends…

4.) If you’re going to play your music godawfully loud, make sure its good, or at the least, will not inspire people to gut you like a fish.

Also, don’t invite your boyfriend to live with you and your housemates, then spend a year have screaming arguements.

5.) If someone doesn’t do their washing up, literlly beat them black and blue until they do it. No video here, but seriously.

6.) When you enter student accommodation in the first year, bring a bottle of something alcoholic to help make new friends. Then let the real you shine out.

7.) If you can record your own message on your doorbell, quote Dinosaur Comics when you’re drunk, and see what people say about it.

8.) Smoke lots of pot.

9.) Have a ridiculously posh-sounding voice. Failing that, have an uneering resemblance to Mick Jagger.

10.) Don’t take anything people on the Internet say seriously.

Maybe one of these days, I’ll do something like this properly, without using it as an excuse to whore out my MePipe videos.

Gingerbread houses have a fine pedigree in the world of internet comedy. From Laura Redclouds Gingerbread Barad Dur, to… erm…

Well, never mind then.

But neither lack of comedy value, it being almost exactly the middle of the year, therefore being thoroughly unseasonal, nor even the fact that no male over the age of 12 without his own kids should make a gingerbread house stopped me, when one day my girlfriend said “Why have you got a gingerbread house kit on your fridge?” After which she said “Lets make it!”

Fearing for my poor testicles, already trying to retreat down my trouser legs, and angling for something funny to write about later, I suggested a jellybaby Torture Garden, an idea which got half-heartedly pounced upon. Much as I’d like to talk you through how we made it, its a gingerbread house. Its not a complicated concept. Besides, Wordpress doesn’t seem to believe in letting you format your posts, for some ungodly reason. So lets let the captions have a go.

Nothing too exciting, just a brief overview of the house. Also, some teapots

A top-down view. The house is leaking icing sugar based blood, shock horror.

Is it a crucifix? No, its some sugar shaped like a mutated child. Only decapitated and stuck to a wall.

The... *sigh* front lawn. Also shown is what was supposed to be a pathway of severed heads, but just became what looks like us Brits on a Spanish beach in summer.

Two jelly babies sacrifing a third jelly baby on some dark altar made of dolly mix. I think we overdid the blood a bit.

Do you know how hard it is to represent a jelly baby being burned alive when you've only got dolly mix and smarties?

A lone jellyman being hung. Nothing too exciting, I'm afraid. Also, I spent years trying to put captions like these on my old sites pictures.

And from this fine afternoon, I learned an important thing: Wordpress sucks monkey balls. Here’s what happened with a rolling pin later.

Yeah, so I’ve started that whole blogging thing again, as you’ve obviously noticed. So what brought that about, and how many days can you expect me to be a-blogging before I give up again?

Well, the answer to the second one is “who the fuck knows”, but the first ones a bit more straightforward. I’ve been making websites for years now. From a crappy one about Tamagotchis ten years ago, to sites for the family business, and of course the garbage on this humble domain.

About three months ago, I actually realised this, and how much fun it actually is. I then coupled this with the more pressing concern: “I’m 22 and still living with my parents, I need a fucking job that pays”. And while temping is fun, and many lessons have been learned from Yahtzee about the joys of data entry, they just don’t call me often enough. Apparently, the concept of sending out someone who types really fast and efficiently is anathema when the agency only gets paid twice the amount you get paid per hour. So I barely get paid enough to keep me in plastic models and failed driving tests, let alone renting somewhere to live.

…seem to have got a bit lost there, let me backtrack.

So seeing as how web design is fun, and IT peoples get paid fuckloads, I thought it would be a good idea. So I shelled out for proper web design lessons (or so far, two weeks of in-depth Microsoft Office work, and two point five months of my tutor not emailing me back), and then the economy decided to play crashy crashy.

So somewhere in all this, I realised I have a domain name, lots of free time, and nothing really interesting to write about. So a blog it is then.

I imagine that once I’m back in my Less Is More mindset, you may well get what used to go up here, only it’ll actually be well written. But also other random crap might end up here. For example, once I learn how to use Flash, expect this site to be hosting my coursework. And when I film some new videos, they’ll be here as well. And I may do some actual blogging at some point, too, so expect lots of posts about “Yeop, quiet here”.

And since everyone is just going to ask “Do we get Henry Skull back? I liked Henry Skull”, he’ll be back once I find some way of running a comic script alongside a Wordpress blog instead of replacing one with the other. I may just start again, because that last story was going nowhere.

Nice to be back, everyone.